You see a smile, I see....
Updated: Mar 14, 2019
37 weeks and 4 days with my very last pregnancy! 3 days before I will be induced and two weeks after I was ready to say goodbye.
TRIGGER WARNING! Postpartum Depression, PTSD
This is a really hard blog for me but I can't hide the true facts, YES I have received help and I'm doing amazing!
At 8 years old I was sexually assaulted by a family member, that day changed my life FOREVER! I tried to find ways to get help but at 8 years old and a bad situation, who's really going to believe the little girl over the grown boy!?
I thought I was past all the struggles of dealing with PTSD that I had from that day in 2003, but it turns out it's always with me. I got pregnant with my daughter in 2015 and I couldn't have been more over the moon excited because that was a hard year but I was about to have my biggest dream I've ever had come true, to be a mommy.
Fast forward to my labor and the triggers started and nothing was going to stop them. My nurses knew my history as did my midwife, they all were so understanding of me and my boundaries. Then it was time to break my water because it wasn't going to happen on its own. I tried so so so hard to be strong but what felt like 5 min and was really only 20 seconds, was far too long for them to be messing with me. I fell apart, my emotions were crazy and I was in so much pain from my crazy ass labor I was experiencing. I gave birth to my daughter and I was so thankful it was over. Until they told me I had to try and breastfeed her... The thought of putting my daughter on me in that way made me sick to my stomach because I honestly felt so inappropriate!
My very last pregnancy, you see a smile and I see a little girl hiding, inside a grown pregnant women's body terrified for the future. When I found out I was pregnant for the second time I was beyond excited again over the moon just like my first pregnancy it was an amazing feeling. We talked about how amazing it would be to have a little sister for our daughter but if we had a little boy it would be amazing too because we would have one of each!
The day came, we found out the sex and I couldn't be more confused from my emotions. I was excited, scared, worried, in love, and terrified with the innocent little boy that was growing inside my tummy. This isn't fair to him, why was I feeling this way and why couldn't I shake the feeling I was having. My entire pregnancy I struggled with the thought that he was inside my body and yet again I felt inappropriate because of the innocents that were taken from me at just 8 years old.
WHY in the hell does someone feel that they have a right to violate a child like that!? Now when all I've wanted my entire life is to be a mom, the memories and flashbacks I'm having make me feel like it was all my fault and now I'm the one feeling like I'm being inappropriate to my kids when everything I'm doing is NATURAL. I'm the mom, I'm the provider of a safe space for my son, I was the provider of food for my daughter... But yet my past was ripping this all away from me. The experiences of motherhood that are supposed to be so pure and amazing are now terrifying and repulsive! All this emotion and confusion was literally destroying me, and I was DONE, FINISHED and ready to say goodbye.
I was two weeks from my induction date while taking a bath to help with pain. No one knew what was really going on with me because I felt like I couldn't talk about it. I couldn't tell them that the thought of labor made me want to barf, the thought of my son coming out of my body and please forgive me but the thought of his penis passing through my body made me beyond DONE with life! Something that others would think is so harmless was such a big deal for me because I couldn't handle the feeling that I was doing something so wrong and all I wanted was to have my adorable, innocent son in my arms.
laying in the bath with the lights off to try and relax I found myself drifting off in the wrong direction. Was it about to happen.? Was I really planning my goodbye without saying goodbye to my family? All I could think about is that day, I couldn't scream for him to stop and it's ruining my life literally I'm about to lose myself because of him and what he took from me. But maybe if I just slip off they will come up to check on me soon and they can save my son and let me go.?
This was my rock bottom like no other I've ever had. I was so afraid of myself and what my mind was doing to me, my life and my family. IM DONE with my mind making the decisions I need to use my heart and listen to what my god is trying to tell me and what he is trying to teach me.
The day came and went, he was born and I was so glad it was over. The day after giving birth to him... Why do I feel this way about him? Why am I mad at him? This isn't his fault, but when I look at him I'm mad. Is it me, am I mad at myself because I feel like I did something wrong?
All day I would ask myself these questions and I would only hold him to feed which was hard but nothing like the first time I had to feed my daughter. If he cried I would have my mom hold him, or whoever was around. I was in a dark place and I needed help but didn't know how to ask for it because I didn't want to sound crazy. I didn't want anyone to judge me for feeling the way I was feeling. He was a tiny baby 6lbs 4oz and dropped down to 5lbs 12oz it was terrifying for me because the doctors were so terrible to me and didn't ask if I was okay when I needed them to ask. Changing his diaper was so hard for me because I again felt like I was doing something so wrong but I'm his mom I shouldn't feel like this at all. For the first 3 months of his life, I was so far gone it wasn't even funny. I felt alone when the room was full of people, I was in the dark... hiding because I was so confused.
For a long time, I struggled, having my son was a trigger and it almost defeated me, all the crazy in my life was getting to be way too much and I didn't know what to do. I was finally given two options from my therapist that I had at the time and that was my wake up call. I made a plan because going to the hospital wasn't an option I have three kids that depend on me and a husband that is working his ass off so I can be a stay at home mom. I needed to get my crap together so I started a privet moms ground "Mommys Dirty Laundry" and my journey to the rebirth of myself started!
My son is almost a year old now and I will be 25 this year, we are both doing amazing and he is my little man! I love my son so much and I wouldn't change anything because I wouldn't be where I am today without the struggles and battles that I went through with that little one. I thought he was making me weaker but in the end, he made me stronger and I'm going to do everything in my power to raise him to respect and treat women the right way. To never violate anyone in the wrong way because it destroys lives and families.