First I want to say that the loss of a baby is so hard no matter the amount of time of the pregnancy and/or the situation. As a mom, it's such a hard loss especially if you have no idea what happened and what you feel "you did wrong."
These two photos look very similar but I was a changed woman in both and for two very different reasons. The first photo is the morning I took the pregnancy test and found out that I wasn't crazy I knew in my heart that I was going to be a mommy it was just confirmed! The second is from the day after my little one left my womb and my body was still shedding the loss of my little.
Monday, August 31, 2015, I woke up with one thing on my mind it was the day that I could take a test to see if what I felt in my heart was true. And sure enough it was clear as day, the test was POSITIVE I was 4 1/2 weeks pregnant. I was literally losing my mind because of how much excitement I was feeling. I was a mom, I had been taking my prenatal vitamins and watching everything I was eating it was exhausting to make sure I was doing everything right for my body to even get pregnant because I had a past that was causing it really hard for me to get pregnant.
When I was 16 I had my first miscarriage and it was not a pretty sight. I had taken many tests and the first few were negative but still didn't get my period so finally, when I took my last one it was confirmed. I was about 6 weeks with my first baby. When I woke up and it looked like I had been shot or something by the amount of blood that was in my bed. I couldn't tell anyone, not my parents because I had just started to change my life around and I couldn't handle what they would say, I couldn't tell the dad because I had no idea what he would say, and I didn't have any friends that I felt I could talk to about this because well I was still the new kid. At the time I thought it was all my fault and I had this thought in my head for 6 years, that I caused it, that I did this to my baby...
Thursday, September 3, 2015, It was a beautiful sunny day, I was working at the bank as a teller enjoying the new married life and my amazing little jelly bean that was growing in my tummy with a constant smile on my face because my darkness was turning to light! I thought..... 4 pm and that feeling you get when you start your period yah TMI but ummmm I was pregnant so this can't be good and all I could think is "it's happening again." My smile instantly turned to the most worried look. The sky grew dark and I ran to the bathroom. "It isn't that bad"... I think", this is literally what I was telling myself trying to convince myself that everything was okay while I still had two hrs left on my shift. I sucked it up and watched the clock tick-tick-tick as I could tell that It wasn't getting any better.
I got off work and drove home all while talking with myself trying to determine if I needed to go to the ER or just ride it out because I was always told not to make things a big deal well this was a big deal and I should have done what my heart was telling me to do. Instead, I went home and went to bed I just needed to relax and hopefully, it would stop... But it didn't.
Friday, September 4, 2015, Slowly waking up on my husbands' side of the bed because he was out of town and all I wanted was for him to lay with me while I was in pain throughout the night and tell me it was okay but that wasn't an options so the next best was sleeping on his side. I woke up slowly and alone I mean totally alone, I could tell that my little one was gone. The apartment was silent and all I had was the thoughts running through my mind of disappointment in myself for not getting help. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom my baby was gone. I was on the floor crying again for a second time covered in blood and alone. I got cleaned up and went back to bed I called my doctor to let them know because I had to cancel my doctor appointments that were that next week. It broke my heart and I didn't know what to do because I didn't know why it was happening to me AGAIN... While I was on the phone with the OBGYN they were going over my blood work I had gotten done and everything the next comment that came out of the nurse's mouth made me want to slap her so hard... "Did they tell you that your Rh negative..." NOPE, they sure didn't, I didn't even know what that meant at the time... But once she explained it all to me it made a LOT of sense as to why I lost my first baby, and also why getting pregnant was so hard for my body. Basically, when I get pregnant I would have to know right away because if I even start spotting I would have to go in to get a shot.
Saturday, September 5, 2015, the second picture. I needed a break I needed to get out of the house so I did with a couple of awesome friends that knew I needed a distraction. I was falling apart more each day, my heart hurt but you couldn't tell it from my pictures.
It was only 4 days of knowing from a test that I was pregnant our families had only known for a few days but for me, I had known for 5 weeks in my heart I knew it, my body knew it, I was a mom for 5 weeks! That time was a long time for me, I was so excited because of the thought of finally having a little one, finally having my own family to share holidays with because every single holiday I would cry the entire way to wherever we were going, it was so hard on me since my family has been broken since I was 6 years old all I wanted was to have my own family that I would have with me to celebrate with. But that was gone, now I was alone again...
The lose of my baby did more damage to me then people cared to understand because they didn't know my past, they didn't know what I had hanging over my head, they just decided that the loss of my baby didn't matter because it was such a short amount of time for them... IT MATTERED, that baby MATTERED, the pain I was in MATTERED and I was alone. My husband was away for work a lot, he was never home I was working long days having to talk to people non stop all day and all I wanted to do was cry. All I wanted was for my husband to be home so he could hold me while I cried but I never got to do that. I didn't get to mourn the loss of my baby because the entire time I wasn't being understood and I had to act like I was okay. It was the worst two months of my life! I needed help but no one wanted to help, I needed to be loved but no one had the time. Instead, I was pushed down several times and I had no want to get back up. I was so done in all ways that I couldn't handle being beaten up while I was already so down.
One night I was done with it all, I was losing my mind from all the drama that was around me it was like a damn twister that would pick me up, carry me around and slam me down. My husband was home and all I wanted was for it all to stop I needed help worse than ever before but no one knew what to do to HELP. What I'm saying is that I had a really bad mental breakdown and I didn't think I was going to make it out of that one. He just wanted to help he was struggling because he didn't know what was happening because he had been gone and didn't know the extent of everything that had and was happening. He helped me calm down and we grew that night so much, thank goodness we did because I needed him more than ever and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant! It was the best feeling in the world but I instantly thought of my little I had lost 3 months earlier. I felt guilty for being excited but I knew deep down that it was meant to be.
I love you my sweet sweet little jelly bean and I know one day I'll get to meet you!