Mental Health Awarness
Last week was a BITCH!
Depression - (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person's ability to function at work and at home.
- Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
- Changes in appetite - weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
- Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
- Loss of energy or increased fatigue
- Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., hand-writing or pacing) or slowed movements and speech (actions observable by others)
- Feeling worthless or guilty
- Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
- Thoughts of death or suicide
This isn't something that just lasts one day and goes away. Depression is a condition that comes and goes weeks at a time.
I've battled with Depression since I was about 4 years old is when I first noticed it, yes I know that's super young and how in the world would I know that... I have an amazing memory which is not a good thing in my opinion. When you're that little you have no idea what it is and why you feel the way you do, so you learn to grow with it and in my case, I turned depression into a craft. I learned how to hide it from those I love and hide secrets of things from my past that I chose to keep in a locked box in the back of my mind but occasionally it will open and in my case, it opened when I got pregnant with my son. I've been in counseling since I was 6 years old and it's helped a lot but recently I got a new therapist that has been helping me dig deeper because I told her that I'm ready to face my past but with this decision comes lots of consequences. This last week I had a lot of things come to the surface for me. I'm so overwhelmed and confused with my past, always asking the question "Why me? Why didn't anyone notice or say anything." It's been a battle this last week. The emotions are exhausting I'm drained and have no want to function because sleeping sounds like the best choice... but I'm a mom and there is no time for sleep so instead I have to push through but while doing that I'm slowly falling apart.
Therapy is AMAZING and I feel that it's so important for EVERYONE! Therapy should be a normal thing just like a checkup with your doctor you should have a check in with your therapist. We are NOT perfect we ALL make mistakes and we ALL have demons that I feel should be talked about because sometimes those demons turn into actions and actions create habits and choices..... When people that have been affected by those actions/choices of others, they have two choices to become that person by following their actions/choices or CHANGE, by being a better, stronger, braver person and helping others from being hurt from those past actions/choices that they have encountered.
I have felt like I was in a black hole all week... With the kids screaming and crying constantly saying "mommy, mommy, mommy" and don't get me started on them not sleeping. I was able to have patience with them but it was so exhausting and never feeling like I was doing enough because I was so lost within myself that the days would come and go I was giving up on myself little by little. I wrote and wrote and wrote but nothing that was coming out made any sense because of the overwhelming feelings of emotion and disbelief I was dealing with from stuff that was being brought up at my weekly therapy appointments.
They always say how the ones that seem the happiest and outgoing are the ones dealing with the most crap inside I don't think that's always the case because I believe that we all have our things but in my case, this is the truth... People always comment on my personality and how bubbly I am and how outgoing I can be, but what they don't see is what's under my skin but on the inside that feeling like it's self-destructing. My life isn't perfect but it's an amazing life because of my close family and friends! I'm so thankful and always will be but again we all have our issues and some more than others. Don't be quick to judge because I had a lot of that growing up and it really messed with my head.
This isn't something I was going to share but I feel that I need to.
About 6 months ago I was at the end of my rope and I was a ball of mixed emotions. I was so lost it was scary even for me because I've always felt lost but I felt empty and alone, this time more than ever. This was the first time I talked to my therapist about my darkest memories and secrets that weren't only my secrets. It was a lot to take in and I had never even talked to my husband about them in the extreme that I needed to... The day after my appointment I had done my hair and makeup ish and decided I wanted to take some selfies... because I wanted to see if you could see the amount of pain on the outside that I was feeling on the inside... Well without thinking a while before this my husband and I set up a facial recognition thing on our google photos so we get any and all photos of each other or our kids that we take on our phones... So with that being said he called me not long after taking the photos and said what's up with the weird selfies...
My stomach dropped because I didn't want him to see those, they were for me but it was a blessing in disguise at first I lied and laughed it off with him but once he got home I knew I needed to have a talk with him that was not going to be easy! I was so scared to tell him things that absolutely no one knows and be 100% transparent... I started crying and he held me tight and told me everything is okay ... AND then ... HE STARTED LAUGHING no joke only for a little of it because he couldn't believe that I was scared... It felt amazing getting it off my chest and being honest like never before and being able to laugh about it, in the end, was the BEST! I knew the day I met him that he was something special and the day I married him I knew he was literally the love of my life and the person that I was meant to be with for eternity!